Phantasmagorical

Look a Baby Woodpecker

2009-07-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Early this spring Dean and his dad took saws to the apple tree across the street. At the request of the neighbour of course!

A few weeks later we noticed a pair of Flicker Woodpeckers nearby and started watching to see where they would make thier nest. There is a small hollow in the apple tree and that is where they decided to make thier home. It was really the perfect spot for them as spring allowed the foliage to grow around them and hide them from the general view. for us it was perfect too as we have had a chance to watch the adults come and go and have been able to enjoy them while leaving them their space.

Yesterday morning Dean was out in the yard doing some work with his dad on the truck when he noticed that one of the little guys was out venturing on his own. He sent the boy in to get me and the camera and here is the result.

2009-06-23T09:23:00.001-07:00

I wish you were all here with me the last week. I am not sure I can capture on screen what I have been through but I will try and share it accurately.

Saturday June 12, 2009 I received a letter that will forever change my life. The letter had been on the table for a few days but unfortunately I didn't notice it earlier and Dean had forgotten to tell me it was there.

It was another letter from the Ministry of Children and Family Services. I expected it to be about our case and the upcoming changes to our counselling program. It was not. Instead it was from the Adoption Ministry and it indicated that a young lady was looking to make contact with me. Twenty one years I had waited for contact and it never occurred to me it might come in the form of a letter.

You can understand the emotion I was feeling if you think back to the day you gave birth and your child was given to you for the very first time. I cried tears of joy for the next 3 days.

You see I never held my daughter the day she was born. I requested that she not be placed in my arms or even my wing of the hospital. I had made a decision months before to give her up for adoption and I needed to maintain my distance to follow through on my choice and now I was going to get the chance if all things went well.

They have. It has been a week since I got my first email from Leila and I can't wait for the next contact be it via text message, phone call or another email. I have seen pictures and she is beautiful. I have read her blogs and have fallen in love all over again with my girl, not the girl in my mind since I last felt her kick but with the woman she has become.

I can't wait to meet her and see baby pictures and school photos. I can't wait to talk through the wee hours of morning about all her hopes and dreams. I can't wait to tell her mine.

Today I shared something with her that I am not sure I could share with anyone else in my life and in return she shared with me what I hope will be the first in a live long lesson she can help me learn.

I am vulnerable right now and I have shared this with Leila and I know she understands. I can't say why I know this because we haven't had a conversation on the subject just a simple admission and a return text. Perhaps the connection that a mother and daughter have isn't just the physical connection or the one brought about by sharing their intimate lives but rather a bond that goes much deeper.

I know I have never questioned my mom knowing me as she does because we are best friends. We are best friends because we developed that bond when I was growing up and she was always there for me when I needed her and to this day she still is. Leila and I don't have that bond, at least not yet but there is still that connection I can feel it and now that I know what causes it I can truthfully state that the connection has always been there.

Not too many years ago I remember going through a very difficult stage in this adoption process. I was convinced that something was terribly wrong and that I would never have the chance with my daughter that I have been given this week. I tried to express my fears to my husband but in all honesty we both thought it must just be a part of the process. the fear of not knowing and maybe never knowing what has happened to someone no longer in your life. My fears were not unfounded. Leila's mom lost her battle with cancer around the same time. Coincidence or a mother's knowledge of the child she has never seen or held?

There is still a long road ahead of us if we are going to build this into a mother/daughter relationship. I know I can't replace her mom. Nothing ever can. I don't want to replace her. I want to build a new relationship one that is ours not one that was theirs and is a pick up from where it left off. I don't "know" Leila yet but I do know her family inherited traits and habits as I look at my sons everyday and see them. I hope to "know" who she is and how I can help her become who she wants to be.

This is amazing and incredible and only God knows where it goes from here and as she said to me in our very first communication.... I am giving this up to Him and trusting that he knows what is best for my daughter and I.

Picture Perfect Cold

2009-01-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

Picture Perfect - COLD

Click the link above to participate in this weeks Picture Perfect Contest or just to enjoy some fantastic photos.

While we just saw the end to a cold snap that lasted almost 3 weeks with temperatures between -15 and -25 Celsius before the wind factor, I had to dig back a few years for this treasure. It was New Years Day and we loaded the kids into the Bronco and took off for the hills (literally) We climbed the mountain into the fresh deep snow and then hiked into the perfect location for the sleds to roar down the hill.

We were out in the weather for about 2 hours before the cold sliced its way through out mitts, boots and jackets and it was time to head home.

As you can see a good time was definitely the result of this very COLD adventure.

Working two jobs and getting ready for the holiday

2008-12-15T03:06:00.000-08:00

And that my friends is why I haven't been around!

Here are some recent photos for you to enjoy.

This is why I want to stay in bed all day.

2008-12-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

-15

°C

A few clouds

Feels Like: -27
Wind: W 33km/h
Wind gusts: 46km/h
Sunrise: 7:56
Sunset: 15:56

Relative Humidity: 42%
Pressure: 102.95 kPa
Visibility: 48.0 km
Ceiling: unlimited

In American lauguage.

°F

A few clouds

Feels Like: -17
Wind: W 21m/h
Wind gusts: 21m/h
Sunrise: 7:56
Sunset: 15:56

Relative Humidity: 42%
Pressure: 1,029.50 mb
Visibility: 29.8 miles
Ceiling: unlimited

I am writing cause I am tired of trying to get through to a wall

2008-11-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

Andrew "forgot" his spelling at school. I sent him back to the school to get it and about20 minutes behind him I sent his brother so he wouldn't have to walk home alone in the dark. His brother got into the school talked to his old principal and teacher and came home without his brother because he couldn't find him.

Five minutes later little brother walks in and says he couldn't get into the school

I would have driven his butt back there myself but my van blew a head gasket today much like I am about to do tonight. Needless to say I am without wheels til payday and the man is out hunting with his dad again!

Turns out he didn't do the stuff he was behind on last week that I have already grounded him for. So now what am I to do? I extended the grounding and yelled til I am hoarse but honestly I don't think it has done a bit of good and the spelling still isn't done.

If it was one assignment I wouldn't be so concerned but it is about 8 of them. Turns out the little bugger has been lying to me about how much homework he has had for months and only now is the teacher informing me (via the agenda which gets forgotten as much as the spelling) and he is going to end up with incompletes on his report card as a result.

Then he hands me the French test. 85 out of 56 !!!! I am one livid mom right now because he tells me that he doesn't know any of it. His duo-tang is virtually empty of the info on the test and he doesn't have his text book home to do his corrections.

All this while I am trying to apply for a second job and second guessing my need for money versus my need to be home for these kids after school.

I already have one son failing his courses that I have no control over because he lives with his father. Am I really supposed to let another child become a failure because he is as lazy as his gene pool? (Cruel but true in so many ways) I don't get it at all as even in school I was ambitious and more worried about getting in trouble for not having it done that I was worried about having to do it. Even today I bust my tail to meet my deadlines when I have deadlines to meet. I even bring home the work I can't get done at work.

I am so MAD right now and I can't do a damn thing about it. I guess I could go cry at least then I wouldn't have this pent up frustration ready to explode.

Pass the kleenex will ya please I am going to need it.

Sunday Morning Snippets

2008-11-16T12:18:00.002-08:00

1. The man and the ex got their moose last weekend. A 1000 pounds dressed! Should fill our freezer for the better part of the year. I can't wait until we can have our first moose roast.

2. The weather is quickly turning from dry to damp. We have only had one snowfall so far but the fogs have been thick enough to make everything damp and cold.

3. I have been sleeping a lot lately. More than I should be and have turned my self around so much that I find it hard to stay awake unless I am up doing something. I am going to focus this week on going to bed much ealier than I have been and see if I can set this right without having to see the doctor about it.

4.I have almost completed my dad's Christmas gift. I struggle each year to find something unique and inexpensive. This year I am making a DVD of my photos for him that he can jsut throw into the DVD player and put on like a screen saver when they have company or just want to have something in the background.

5. I need to get the above completed so I can get my butt in gear on my christmas cards. I have made my templates for the majority of them but they will be time consuming no matter how I do them. I may end up doing the handmade ones only for my team and family instead of for everyone. I saw some cute easy to make ones the other day so I may do those too.

6. We started our Christmas shopping and we know what we are getting the kids we jsut haven't figured out if it will be on credit this year. I am hoping to avoid putting anything on the cards but we will see what happens.

7. We will not have our usual designer tree or center piece this year. Instead we may go get one from the bush and make a wreath and center piece of our own. Anything to save some money over the holidays is going to help.

8. I am not sure if the boys are going to go north to see their dad this year. My hours at work make driving there and back to drop them off tough and the cost of sending them on the bus is worth a couple of large gifts. Their dad might have to work the whole time too and they were there last year so they will understand and can spend spring break with him instead.

9. my house needs cleaning. I should be doing that now but instead I am here wasting time so I don't have to face the dirt. I swear the only way to clean this house is to stop buying stuff that we don't need. We really need to become more simplistic in our wants and needs. As the kids get bigger so does their stuff and there is just no room for it.

10. We are cleaning out our storage unit making everything fit into a smaller unit. It is amazing the stuff I have kept and paid to keep for the last 3 years. We are making many trips to the dump getting rid of the stuff and going through the stuff we thought was worth keeping finding out it wasn't worth keeping at all!

Ok I am off to do what I must I can't believe I made it to 10 without much effort. Maybe random thoughts are the way to go.

Hugs

Melancholy

2008-11-09T20:12:00.002-08:00

I am struggling tonight with feelings of melancholy and sadness.

If you read my blog last week you know we were going through some major issues here on the homefront. I am happy to say that it appears most of it has been settled and with the exception of a few classes that the man and I are going to take to help with coping with child conflict I am pleased to be able to say all the kids are safe and sound at home and there are no charges being laid.

We learned a valuable lesson from it all and will be better parents as a result. It has just been very difficult being under the microscope for the last couple weeks. The man is still pretty mad about the whole thing but I think that is more because of his guilt than the rest. He is going to need to really work on his relationship with the boy to get through this without holding a grudge. The point I keep trying to get across is that while a truth was stretched it was the truth and not a fabrication of a lie and there is the root of the problem that there was a truth to tell.

Last week there was also a death in my ex-husbands family. A man I didn't know well but his son is a very important person in my life and I felt it was important to be there. I made the plans with my ex to travel with him and to attend the funeral. It was the first function I would attend with him since we seperated and while we are still best of friends it was pretty obvious the situation could be awkward for everyone else. The man gave me a good ribbing about spending the weekend out of town with the ex. There was good humour in his comments but there was also some insecurity in his ribbing and that caused me some stress knowing that I needed to be at this service for my own reasons but that the circumstances could cause some tension in my relationship.

The service was nice but it brought many memories with it of the loss of my father in law in '92. My sister-in-law on one side of me and my ex on the other there was unspoken emotion as the piper played amazing grace and the family shared the stories of the man they knew as dad and pops. It was also hard to see the emotional reactions of all his loved ones and family, knowing that I will have to deal with all they are going through at some point and I am not emotionally stable enough to even consider it. It was truly good to see everyone and it was hard too. They were my family for so many years and now I am the ex-wife that doesn't fit into the niche anymore. I thank God my sister-in-law understood because she stayed close most of the afternoon.

We left around 3:30 with a 5 hour drive home in front of us. The ex and I were both tired an emotional. We talked a lot about things that didn't matter and avoided the things that did because while we are best friends we are not each others soul support anymore and what I am feeling needs to be shared with the man not the ex. It was a good drive with no snow through the mountains and only some fog to deal with. We got home just as the boys were going to bed and after watching the hockey game I booted it to bed around 11pm exhausted.

The man and the ex left this morning for a hunting trip. Odd yes but it is good for all of us that they are building a friendship that doesn't have me at the core of it. It is good for them and it is good for the relationship they each have with the kids and with me. I feel in the long run the better relationship the two men in my life have the better we will all be for it. Besides it gives each of them a chance to complain about all my faults to someone who understands!

Today was a hard day for me I was emotionally drained and quite honestly slept more than I was awake. I didn't have a chance to talk to the man last night about everything I needed to and tonight I talked to his ex about all that happened last week. She told me how much the man has changed since she knew him and how his personality, since meeting me or since having cancer she isn't sure which, has changed. She says he had a very even temper and wouldn't get upset for love nor money. That shocked me as the man I met had a screen name of sadistictemper and is not the calmest man in the world. He is expressive and not afraid to speak his mind and its one of the things I fell in love with when we met. His mom is the same as is his brother so to me it wasn't much of a stretch to think that he would be the same. It was hard to hear given the recent situation and is something I think he and I need to explore further because if my boys and I have caused the changes then something needs to be done to help that, be it counselling or whatever.

When the man called tonight it was like a dam broke. I could feel the heartache and the anxiety that he is hundreds of miles away until Tuesday night and right now I really need him to be close. I didn't let on that I was upset but I am sure he knew something was wrong when I told him I needed him home soon and he has just got there.

I also found out tonight that I have all 4 kids on Tuesday. Due to the holiday I was only supposed to have my 2 for the time Dean was gone. I was looking forward to the quality time with just my boys and I am dissapointed that I won't have that time. I am also aware that there is tension when "dad" isn't home for the other two and that I don't have the patience to be a single parent to four kids for even a few days. Dean does! I do not! I figure Nana will step in at some point even though I took the days off so she wouldn't need to be here at 4am on my work days. She understands there is tension here sometimes too and she does her best to break it when she can. I was hoping to take my boys to the zoo on Tuesday to get some photos but i won't be able to do that this week as I can't afford for all 5 of us to go when it isn't a payday weekend. I will have to find something else to do with them for the day.

All in all I have just had so much going on in my head that I can't keep it straight and I am not sure I did it any justice here because stupidly I keep wondering what the people who read it might think. Maybe I should have switched to pen and paper but I won't delete it now. I have worked too hard to put it on the screen.

I will maybe put the rest to paper but for now I will go watch my show and go to bed.

Hugs

our day trip to the orchard

2008-10-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

I found out about a pumpkin patch festival last week and told Dean I wanted to make a family day out of it. Yesterday was the day and we loaded 5 kids into the van just before lunch and headed 75 miles east to Davison Orchards to pick out pumpkins and spend some time making memories.

We couldn't have picked a better day for it. While there was a heavy frost in the morning by the time we left just after 11am the sun was shining and it was a gorgeous day. We took the back roads to Vernon because Dean was hoping to see some deer. We didn't see any, but the drive was lovely as the kids were well behaved and pretty quiet for the whole trip.

We arrived in Vernon and tried to follow the directions from the online map (that we didn't print) but we ran into a snag when we zigged instead of zagging and ended up misplaced. (We were not lost as we were in a city Dean knows pretty well.) After assuring the kids that being lost and being misplaced are very different things and that if they kept up their prodding about being lost we would show them in short order that we knew exactly how to get home!, we stopped and checked our sense of direction at the gas station and we were there within 5 minutes.

The place was PACKED. There were people everywhere! After being directed to where we could park (on the field that used to hold all the green pepper plants) we walked to the main gates of the orchard. It was immediately obvious that this place was a family run business with a true family spirit among them. There was a critter corner, a big playground, a cafe, bakery, gift shop, snack shack, corn maze and train rides through the orchard on what was not a train at all but rather a bunch of 4 seater boxes attached together and towed by a tractor out to the pumpkin patch and back. To give you an idea how busy it was there was 8 cars to a train that held a maximum of 32 people per trip and they were running 3 of these trains with a wait time no longer than 5 minutes between trains. That means they were running about 380 people an hour if the train was full and we waited in line for almost 40 minutes!!!!!!!

We spent a couple of hours wandering around the orchard yard looking at everything there was for us to see without crowding all the kids into the shops (I aint that crazy) The kids had a chance to run through the corn maze which was no longer green and lush and tall but rather strawlike and short enough for us to see them through the majority of it. They wandered through the Critter Corner petting the animals they could reach. The goats were anything but hungry after all the children that had been feeding them for the past two days so getting them to come to the fence was near impossible. The donkey had a cold and kept blowing his nose. It was funny to see him make this noise and then hear all the kids squeal at how gross the snot coming out of his nose was. LOL It was rather gross. The other donkey was very passive and liked the camera so much he would only let me take pictures of the side of his face as he looked at the lens. I did get a full picture of him later in the afternoon.

There was a booth where you could make a full size scarecrow for only $15. Unfortunately they did that earlier in the day and we were not able to take part but we will be sure to the next time. Where they had been making the scarecrows there was a fair amount of hay leftover and there were both adults and kids tossing it at each other. I am sure the one man was wishing for a shower by late afternoon becuse there were kis stuffing the hay up his shirt! They also had two covered areas that had dried corn kernels in them where kids could play in the corn instead of a sand box. They also had a corn teepee that every kid in the place was in at one time or another.

There was an old farm museum which was really just an old stall full of neat stuff that used to be used on a farm. As we walked around we also noticed there were a lot of antique tractors and farm equipment.

After the Critter Corner we decided to take a trip on the train and as I mentioned earlier we stood in line for some time to go on it. The kids were really well behaved in line and seemed to enjoy just watching the crowd. There was a glider flying above us which really fascinated the kids. Dean spent a fair amount of the time in line explaining the glider to them. We took up two "train" cars and bumped our way to the pumpkin patch.

The kids raced off the train and into the field to find their perfect pumpkin. I tried not to influence the choices they made except to make sure that the pumpkin was healthy enough to last until after the holiday. They each picked fantastic pumpkins and I made sure to take pictures of each fo them with their own choice. I will do so again after they are carved as well. We climbed back aboard the train and then to the van to drop off the pumpkins before we sent the kids to play in the playground for a while.

Taking the opportunity while the kids were playing on slides and swings, Dean and I went into the shops. The moment we entered the scent of spices and baking was telling us to come and taste test all the goodies they had out on display. The store was broken into 4 parts. The first was the fruit and veggies. Apples eveywhere! They grow 10 different types of apples and had 8 types left in stock. They were out of the two I really wanted to try as they are specialty apples that are new to BC but there is always next year to try them. We tried a few different types and settled on the Fuji gold which are very sweet and yummy. We also picked up a bag of bartlett pears and some peppers.

Moving into the next section of the store was a real treat. There were sauces and dressings, jams and salsas, oils and vinegars, dips and pickled veggies. It was all expensive but oh so tasty! We grabbed a jar of Maple Pumpkin Butter, Apple Cinnamon BBQ sauce and debated on pickled garlic and hot jalepeno jelly. Saving money won out and we moved into the next section.

The gift shop was difficult to get around as there were a lot of people and quite a few strollers. In a gift shop this size strollers are almost a rude invasion even though I understand the need for parents to used them. The gifts were all harvest oriented with a few christmas ornaments scattered in various places. There were candles, placemats, dishes of all kinds, window hangings and ornaments for doors. There were vases, plaques for the wall and picture frames. There was also a small section for the kids with cars and figurines and other high priced dollar store toys that I am glad the kids didn't see.

The last section of the store was not only the check out but also the bakery, candy and ice cream shop all rolled into one. We bought both pumpkin and deep dish apple pie because we couldn't pick between the two and picked up some pop for the kids and went to round them up in the playground.

Being Sunday we needed to head home and make sure the kids were ready for school today. We stopped for fast food on our way out of Vernon and then took the back roads back home again. We saw 8 deer on the way home but had people behind us so we were not able to stop for pictures. it was only 7:30 when we arrived home but everyone was pretty tired from all the fresh air. Showers for everyone and they were all in bed by 9 with Dean not far behind them. I stayed up later watching brothers and sisters and loading pictures to my flickr account then went to bed myself.

If you would like to see the full setof photos they can be found here.

Davison Orchards.

TTYS Opes

How I feel

2008-10-15T07:58:00.004-07:00

It is disheartening not to have comments on my blogs.

I have moved around because the programs have basically moved me to other places and this was my original blog so this is where I suppose home is.

My last blog done here I linked to on my other blogs and I know people have viewed that blog but yet there are no comments. Funny thing is I do the same thing. I read so many blogs that I don't have (make the) time to comment on every single one I read but I now realize how much it means for just a single comment to appear on the page.

I try to be witty, funny, introspective in my blogs but it seems that its the audience that I really am looking for. To know that someone at least finds it interesting.

Funny thing is I think we all look for this in out lives in all aspects not just in blogging.

It all comes down to motivation, recognition and reward. We talk about this at work all the time but I don't think I have ever put it into perspective at home.

What do we all want from our friends, family and co-workers?

To know we are;

listened to

trusted

appreciated

loved

recognized for our achievements

liked

respected

needed

valued

among other things.

At work we have been working on retention of our employees. Trying to determine how best to keep them from leaving the company. In our industry turn around is incredibly high and it is not a good thing in any job but a job such as ours which has months of paid training it is really not good.

On a survey done last year our biggest area of improvement was making our employees feel valued by all the things listed above. In the rush and hub bub of everyday life it is the humans who get pushed aside for the paperwork and deadlines and the cost is attrition.

Suddenly I am realizing it is also the cost when people don't comment on our blogs. We stop writing them because we believe people have stopped reading them.

I started my blogs for myself as much as for my family and friends. They are for my kids future so they can read about our life and about the things I did in my past that they would love to know about when they are my age. I started blogging to keep the family up to date because they are too busy to stop and find the time to call when it is convienient for everyone to talk.

Feeling valued has to come as much from within as it does from others.

I will keep writing this blog and I will even go so far as to promote it again to everyone because it is important to me and it may be important to those around me who have the time to read but not the time to comment.

I will also start commenting on all of yours because I have been reading them. I spend hours each day reading the blogs of my friends and family and I want you to know that you are valued. That I do love you and listen to you and I do appreciate that you are a part of my life.

TTYS Love Opes

Random thoughts

2008-10-13T21:52:00.005-07:00

Taking a page from my gf's blog I am making the decision to go with a single blog and to post more often with either random thoughts or maybe a story.

It is a tough choice to make since I have people reading my blog in many places, but updating 4 blogs never happens and writing one blog and putting it in 4 places seems a pointless waste of time. The fact is if you enjoy reading my blog you can add it as an RSS feed and read it from your favorite NewsReader.

So for tonight it is random thoughts as it has been a long day and I am watching TV while I type.

** Thanksgiving weekend in my neck of the woods this past weekend and we sure have a lot to be thankful for. We spent time with my mom, stepdad, Dean's mom and dad and our kids this weekend. The food was fantastic, the weather on Sunday was incredible and we always enjoy the long weekend off work and school.

** Dean is about to celebrate 3 years leukemia free. He already went for the final blood test and there was no call so the results were good but he refuses to celebrate until the end of the month. Figures he might jinx his good health if he does.

** We spent the night in a clear cut last weekend. We went 4x4ing and ended up high centered in due to deep ruts in the ground. The foliage around us was stunning as you can see in the picture. We didn't get stuck anywhere near here for if we had we would have been close to a ranchers house but alas we were way beyond this old homestead.

** It was pretty cold where we were with fresh snow about 1000ft above us. We lit a fire and did our best to stay warm until it was late enough to go to sleep. We slept in the truck. Four kids and Dean and I. It is now a family memory.

** Work changed my days off again so I am back to Sunday, Monday's off. I have enough holidays left that I may end up with 3 day weekends for most of the rest of the year if I chose to use them that way. Only problem with doing that is no one covers me if I am only gone a day. If I take a full week then I will have coverage.

** I have been promoted to a hunting widow. Dean got his PAL and CORE so hes becoming a hunting fool!. Only a few more week of open Buck season here so he will be going as often as he can.

** I will be working hard to clean out my storage unit over the next few months. They are raising the price yet again and I can't afford to keep paying the rising costs. I will be getting rid of all the double housing crap we have and reducing to only the stuff I need to keep in storage. Family heirlooms and stuff I just can't part with.

** Turkey, Brussel Sprouts, Carrots, Turnip, Stuffing and Potatoes makes for a very smell house when filled with boys who think farting is funny. Dean is the worst of them!

** Dean's birthday today. Happy Birthday Sweetheart. I am so blessed to have you in my life. Despite all the challenges that being a blended family throws at us I would still rather be here with you than anywhere else. You are the love of my life.

** The one year I decide not to buy school photos, Andrew has the best proofs I have seen in his 7 years of school. I will be buying his school photos.

** Toby Keith and Aaron Prichett in concert were awesome. The best concert I have been to in a very long time.

** My flowers finally took a frost. We haven't seen snow yet but it won't be long before we do so it is time to clean out the gardens. I am hoping for a nice afternoon this week in which to get it done.

** Have to consider the Christmas shopping soon. I think we have decided what the kids are getting from us and I am thinking annual passes to all the local attractions from the big guy. My thought is it will keep us busy if we have annual passes and don't need to have cash on hand to go to the zoo or to ride the historic rails.

** I have aquafit tonight. I don't think we have anything planned for Dean's day since he will be hunting so I don't see a good reason not to go. Unless he isn't home cause he "bags a deer"

** Doesn't "bagging a deer" sound like something totally perverted rather than something good that you want to brag about and take photos of.

** Don't get me started on the whole "Mounting its Head" guys have such sexual terms for hunting terminology.

** I need to dye my hair. Even my mother commented on the grey! I am thinking since he bought a gun I am going to book an afternoon in one of the fancy salons and have cut, colour and maybe even a perm done.

** I can't wait for my nap today!

** Dean just took the kids to school. He is such a sucker. LOL I make em walk in the cold the big babies. It is still above freezing and the excersise is good for them.

** Having 3 Teenagers might be the death of me.

** I better be ready to go when Dean gets back.

** That means I have to end this blog!

TTYS Love Opes

What motivates you?

2007-09-21T09:13:00.001-07:00

On September 14th, 2007 a team of 5 guys and a slew of helpers left the shores of Black Rock Beach in Halifax harbour – the official tire dip - to ride across Canada. H2V 9 days. 5 riders. 2 coasts. 1 goal. Cure Juvinille Diabetes. Almost 7000km riding 3-4 hr legs 24 hours a day through some of the most incredible countryside in the world. They will arrive in Kamloops in a few hours and the boys and I will be there to cheer them on. It is the least we can do.

Just 250km south of Kamloops another group of 26 riders starts on the annual Cops for Cancer Tour de Valley ride this morning. It is 700 km over 8 days with fundraising events in many of the cities along the way. These men and women do not ride 24hrs a day but they sure ride hard for the kids. This one is special to me and personal. My brother is this years team captian and it is his third year on the ride. He is the guy with the boy on his shoulders on the home page.

I don't know the whole personal story behind H2V. I do know that the daughter of one of the riders has diabetes and her dad promised to help find a cure. These are his words "I want the general public to understand the true cost of living with the disease, but mostly, I just want to keep my promise to my daughter: A cure for Juvenile Diabetes by the time she finishes high school in six years. I want to run a marathon with her. Sail around the world with her. I want her to be healthy, not just to have the appearance of health."

I do know the story behind Cops for Cancer Tour de Valley though. At least the one that is my brother's. Now before I tell you the story I want to tell, I want to let you know that I don't know how my brother got involved in Cops for Cancer, nor do I know his true initial motivators. My brother and I aren't the closest of siblings and we have communication difficulties as many adult siblings do. There are other factors in our relationship that may never be overcome but I will never let it be said that I am not proud of him or that I don't love him.

In April of 2005 my brother had just finished his shift as Constable for the police force he works with and was riding home. Part of his training for his first ride in September that year was to ride to and from work daily. He would ride at vehicle speed averaging 50km/h along side the usual rush hour traffic. On hills he would fall behind as he climbed at catch up again on the slopes. He had been doing this for months so it was routine. Today was no different, or so it appeared. He was riding a game of tag with a semi-truck. Not a game really but my brother managed to keep an average pace with the truck thanks to stop lights and such.

Eyewitness' on scene later said that my brother had been riding within the rules and that they were all aware of his presence in their vacinity. Well all except the truck he ended up underneath. The trucker pulled a right hand turn with my brother coming up hard on his right side. My brother ended up under the rig's wheels and was dragged a fair distance before the truck finally came to a stop. My brother was very lucky to be alive and wouldn't have been had it not been for the pedal of the bike being caught in a position that saved his head from being crushed. He did however lose his pinky finger and the use of his ring finger on his right hand. After a few weeks in hospital he started to recover but not before a number of surgeries to fix the hand as best as possible with reconstructive surgery and skin grafts. Two years later he is still working on recovery and the Dr's said he will be for the rest of his life.

Many people would have been scared off by this. Not my little brother. He overcame the odds coming into the world 2 months early and he wasn't going to let the accident slow him down. He was back on the bike as soon as the Dr would allow it. Wait let me rephrase that... as soon as his wife would allow him! He put everything into trainging determined to be ready for the ride in September... and he was. I talked to him not long after that first ride and it brought tears to his eyes to talk about it. He said it was an experience and something so spiritual that it was hard to describe in words.

That was 2 years ago and this year he rides again but this year he rides as captian of the team. I had hoped that this year I could be there to support him on part of the ride but it won't be possible due to work and life responsibility.

I wanted to write this blog today to talk about motivation but I think the above links cover it better than I ever can.

Thank you to all the people who have more motivation than I do. Who take on these kinds of events that have far too little recognition. Thank you from all the kids, the familes and me.

He's my everything

2007-09-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

It has been almost 2 years since Dean and I moved in together. Our relationship has evolved in many ways since that day. I think if either of us knew what was in store we might have run scared but together we have faced all the challanges and overcome the worst of it. We have settled into a great routine both with our kids and ourselves. We are comfortable and relaxed amongst each other. Tranquility in the chaos. We aren't perfect and never will be, but we have made something of this relationship that started with an IM. We have overcome adversity and the forces that tried to seperate us and we have become a family.

I couldn't have imagined with that first IM that I sent him that my life would be where it is today. I wasn't looking when I foind him instead I was enjoying the banter of a smart-ass in a room full of idiots. I messaged him and thold him what I thought and the rest as they say is history. I fell in love, he fell in love, we both tried hard to avoid the inevitable because of our individual situations but it wasn't possible. Fate brought us together, used us as pawns in a romance novel.

I love Dean more than words. I have committed my life to him and our kids because I believe in him and all that he believes in. We are comfortable together, be it sitting across the room from eacy other or side by side holding hands while watching sitcoms. We read each other well and feed off each other both for pleasure and torture. We fight violently, not physically. We forgive easily and without holding a grudge.

I love him. So simple yet so complex.

He is my soulmate, my partner for eternity.

He is my everything.

Soul to Soul II 2007

2007-08-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

In June, Dean and I took a weekend away and went to see Tim and Faith in concert. We asked my mom to watch the Daniel and Andrew and they arranged for us to stay with them at a resort in Birch Bay so they could keep the kids busy while we made the run back and forth to Vancouver. This worked out perfect and Friday night we arrived at the resort about 9pm. The place was perfect with a king bed in one room, two singles in another and a murphy bed in the living room we were all set.

Saturday morning we walked the beach with the boys after breakfast and then drove around the area looking at houses and cabins we wish we could afford. We headed to the concert around 4pm knowing we might hit traffic delays at the border. We had decided to park near the cancer lodge where Dean stayed for treatments and to cab it to the stadium. this turned out to be a grea choice saving us the hassle of downtown traffic for almost the same cost as parking downtown.

The concert was incredible and as anyone who has had the chance to see this concert knows it was worth every dime we paid just to see the stage and light show. After the show we drove back down to the states and spent Sunday morning relaxing and visiting before making the trip for home.

I promised Coop some pictures and because of life being busy I hadn't had time to post them so here ya go Coops. They aren't great but they are better than nuthin.

Sunflowers

2007-07-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

Aren't they pretty!

I planted Sunflowers this year for the sole purpose of frustrating Dean! LOL You see he doesn't like them. Thinks they are ugly. I love them and think they are beautiful. They are already wilting and I am unsure if they will seed the way they should as I have never planted them before. I actually planted 4 varieties but they didn't all take. These guys are huge. Most of the stalks are 6-8ft tall and there are two that must be close to 10 feet.

I will plant them again but not in the same spot. They are so big they killed all the other plants in the same garden!

I am busy planning next years gardens already. I really want to do some drastic changes so I am hoping to get an early start this year when the flowers begin to die. This years garden didn't do so well because we had so much heat early on and then too much water then back to the heat. It doesn't look near as good as last years did. I wish I had room to house some of them indoors for the winter but our place is just not big enough so I will have to sacrifice some of the plants I would normally be able to winter underground.

We went to Walmart tonight and they had their spring bulb on sale cheap so I bought a bunch for next spring. Those I can winter easily enough. I will be purchasing my fall bulbs soon. This year I hope to do some cluster groupings instead of the chaos I normally have. We will be digging out the side garden before fall too so I can put all new dirt in there. Damn cats and ants have just made a disgusting mess of the dirt. I will also be looking to change the shape of the garden to better use the area.

I love to garden and love the result of the hard work. I also think it makes the yard more inviting. Dean and I usually spend out evenings indoors but I know from experience that if I have put in the work then I enjoy sitting outside in the evenings watching the bugs flit amongst the blooms.

It is a labour of love.

Helmcken Falls

2007-07-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

Helmcken Falls is Canada's fourth highest waterfall, and one of its best-kept secrets. Plunging 141 metres in a straight drop, this waterfall is about three times higher than Niagara Falls! But while Niagara is plagued with gift shops and tourists, on a quiet day you might arrive at the modest viewing platform for Helmcken Falls and find nobody else there.
This is where we went Saturday. Around 11am we jumped in the car and drove the 125m (200km) to Wells Gray Park. The 5000 square kilometer park is home to some of our provinces most beautiful country. The road into the falls is mostly paved and the gravel road is kept smooth and free of pot holes so it was a beautiful trip. We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day. The weather was incredible with the sun shining high in the sky and although we thought it would be a bit cooler in the Rocky Mountain range boy were we wrong. It was about 38c (100f) at the falls.
We got out of the van and walked no more than a city block to the lookout for the falls. Keygan was scared to death but braved the fear and walked out to the fence. Dean picked him up and scared the crap out of him once again. As he was hollerin "daddy put me down" Dean held him up to see how far down it was to the bottom… about 250 feet. I was a picture snapping fool taking pics from every angle. The view is gorgeous both left and right.
We walked away from the falls down river along the fence. This area is all deeply forested and you really need to watch your foot steps so you don’t trip or fall on the roots and rocks on the forest floor. I become anxious in territory like this when the kids are with us. I fear them taking a wrong step and tripping onto a rock and hurting themselves or worse yet stumbling and falling over the ledges. The fence doesn’t run all that far and before long we were on free trail. Robert and Alysia like to walk ahead if they can so I usually end up fending off the bears by shouting at them not to get to far ahead of us.
Dean and I took turns with the camera and at one point I walked to the edge of two rocks on the ledge knelt down and started snapping photos. I decided to take one straight down the wall I was sitting on and that is when I realized the two rocks I had my full weight on were jutted out over the edge and the wall was actually behind me. I panicked and told Dean to grab the camera, and then I told him to come grab me I was paralyzed with fear. I hate ledges. I can climb any rack face, I just can’t be at the top ledge and look down. I freak out getting off a roof for crying out loud.
The temperature at the peak was much hotter than it had been in town. We figured being that far above sea level it would be cooler. Boy were we wrong. At points along the hike it was like walking through walls of fire it was so hot. About 25 min into the hike I told Dean I couldn’t go any further. That kind of heat doesn’t serve me well. We turned around and walked back to the van and decided to head to a spot my gf at work told me about. Baileys Chute
Along the way we stopped at a pull out near the river and Dean went to see if we could walk down to it. It was a steep walk in soft sand so he decided it best we not try to venture it. He did take a hand towel down and dip it in the river for me so I could cool off with it. I was so glad he did too cause it wasn’t long before I was feeling the effects of heat exhaustion. We ventured further and arrived at Baileys and got out of the van. Now let me tell you why we didn’t make it to the chute…
HORSEFLIES
Them furkers were swarming the van and they were huge. I swear they were no less than an inch long and they were HUNGRY. Swatting at them was pointless and we all looked like jesters trying to keep them away from us. Just as I suggested to Dean that we head back to the van to escape them we heard a clap of thunder! Standing amongst the timbers that were 30-40 feet tall was not where we wanted to be to be damned sure. We dang near ran to the van, doing our best not to let the horseflies into the van as we all climbed back into the oven we were driving in.
We headed back to Clearwater as we needed to be home to drop Keygan off around 6pm. On our way our we saw a deer and drove past a dead black bear on the side of the road, a reminder that we were mere visitors among nature’s home.
The drive home was as eventful as it was beautiful. The kids, tired and hungry, talked the whole way home while I drifted in and out of a nap. I wasn’t feeling well the first 30 min or so. Once I cooled off I was fine. The drive home runs along the North Thompson River and it is God’s artwork to be sure. Raging waters stirred by under current. Glacier fed and gorgeous it invites you to jump in and cool off. Too cold even this time of year for a leisurely swim. On and off we were pelted by rain drops that did little more than raise the humidity of the air around us. Lightening and thunder just on the horizon but never in our path. The debris from the storm the night before littering the highway.
We stopped at the fruit stand in McClure bought the kids some freezes and me some fresh cherry tomatoes and we headed for home. We dropped Andrew and Keygan off at Keygan’s mom’s for the night and we headed up to Wal-Mart. Dean needed new shorts and I wanted to buy some new pants. We grabbed a quick bite at McDonald’s, did our shopping and got home around 10pm. The 2 older kids went to bed and just as they dozed off a storm hit.
Dean and I turned off the PC’s and went to sit on the deck and watch the show. Lightening is not a good thing here when there is no rain but it sure is cool to watch. I don’t know how many fires were started but we saw over 30 strikes of sheet and bolt lightening. The helicopters and water bombers were up and flying hard today to be sure.
Around midnight I was done for the day. Falling asleep on the deck I decided I best get myself to bed. Dean wasn’t long after and we both slept solid ‘til the alarm went this morning to tell me I needed to get to work.
It was a great day.

Vulnerable

2007-06-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

so its been just over a year since my surgery and i need to face the fact that i am not who i used to be mentally. i was a stable person who held things together, could vent without crying, and who could see every side of every situation.
fast forward 14 months and i would like to introduce you to the new me.
my name is susan. i am thirty six years old. i have 3 children, 2 pseudo step-children and one pseudo step, step-child. i live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. i work for a financial services provider. i live in a trailer with an addition built onto it in april of last year i had an emergency hysterectomy that saved my life. the hot flashes started not long after the recovery began. the mood swings started with a few tears. Then a few more tears, and a year later its water works all the damn time. i cry when i'm sad, i when i'm angry, i when i'm confused. the kiddos and bf don't know what to expect anymore .
can you blame them? when living with someone whose emotions range from and back again in any given how how are they supposed to cope.
i am not coping very well either to be honest. i hate feeling this way and i hate being this person. i can't draw from my mother's handling of the situation because she never showed signs of this after her surgery. i however am suffering like the devil with symptoms especially the mood swings. i know dean will love seeing this in print cause it means i am admitting it finally. hes been egging me on about it for a year and finally i have to admit he is right.
the last few weeks i have been feeling the down swing of the emotions and have even considered going to the dr about some anti-depressants but i don't know if that is a step i really want to take. i might try some vitamins and health foods first. anyway the point is im feeling very vulnerable in my relationship. a couple of you will understand my fears and my crap that goes with it and the rest won't cause i haven't wanted to talk it out.
point is i am reading into things that aren't there. i am insecure about the things i should have a deep sense of security about. i fear that my relationship is being put in jepoardy because i assume things and read into actions and in the harsh reality of daylight i realize this is stupid. sure there are little things little actions that i need to learn to trust and believe are nothing more than what they really are. i need to learn to talk without crying. i need to learn to cry without talking.
i live with a really incredible guy. he actually seems to understand that although he can't understand what im going through its not me but the hormones that control my insecurities and control my emotional outbursts. tonight he made better all that had been bugging me all day long just by spending a couple minutes holding me. he didn't ask what was wrong, he didn't ask what he could to do make it better. instead he just held me and let me be secure in his arms.
those of you who knew where my mind was rest assured im ok and things are alright. i over-react and thats why i don't share much anymore. i never know if im being rational or logical til the end of the day.
today sucked. i let my crap get to me. tonight life is good and as my bf plays games on pogo with his friends i know that when i go to bed tonight he will be beside me where he wants to be and he will hold me while i drift off to sleep with the salt of my drying tears on his shoulder.
menopause sucks but my life is good even on the bad days.

So Much Like His Mom

2007-06-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how watching my children reminds me of my own childhood. It is seldom that I take the time to just watch them be. Life gets in the way and becomes a rush of get here, go there, do this, put away that and the innocence of childhood is lost in the chaos.
Daniel was drawing this morning and for some reason it reminded me of when I tried to be an aspiring artist when I was his age. Now please keep in mind I can’t draw to save my life and still can’t. I thought I could though. I would draw pathetic cats and dogs. Fruit looked like rotten and plants wilted when I attempted to put them to paper. To this day I have a couple of the pictures that didn’t turn out too badly but for the most part I hope my mother burned the rest.
In contrast to this I could paint when I was a child.. At least my teacher made me believe I could. My art used to end up in local expositions. I don’t know if my mother has any of those left although I doubt she does. I would paint ghastly dresses and gowns that were full of colour and flair. I would paint lace on the sleeves and necklines. Graced with appalling ribbons and bows the paintings were to my teacher works of art. Mrs B boosted my ego and self esteem with those paintings. She praised me for them and entered them in local contests and shows. I was proud of them although I don’t think they ever won ribbons or anything of that nature.
I remember that teacher fondly although her name escapes me I know it started with a B until she got married mid year. She was insistent we learn to draw a straight line without a ruler, one of the girls in the class was always the best at this little task. Not me I still can’t draw a straight line without a ruler. She let us have class out in the schoolyard on sunny days. We would all gather up paper and pencils to go sit under the mighty oaks in the playground. The Indian summers of late September early October allowed us to sit in the grass and enjoy the fresh air. Ms B would hand us a piece of paper with a list of local bugs, leaves and plants on it and it became a treasure hunt. We didn’t know we were learning we thought we were cutting out of class for some fun.
I was in grade 3 that year and my parents had been separated just over a year. I didn’t know where I fit into the scheme that is life and this teacher tried really hard to show me I was loved and special in my own way. It was very unusual to come from a "broken" home back then although I didn’t understand the ramifications of all of that. I knew I saw my dad every other weekend and it was what it was. Not until I was much older did I realize what it all meant. I was picked on all through grade school for being different. I was bullied and called names that still bruise my heart to this day. I had been in the school for a year before getting this teacher who made such a huge impact on my life.
Daniel is having the same kind of issues at school. He is so much like his mother it hurts to see him go through the things I did. He has made leaps and bounds this year in maturity though there are moments when he slips. He doesn’t make friends easily and when he does make friends I know they are the kinds of friends that will use him for what they can and then they will leave him with hurt feelings and a bruised heart. He a sensitive kid who tries hard to make friends by being funny which makes other people see him as a goof or class clown.
He is so much like his mother trying to fit in not knowing where he belongs.

Let's Face it I am a Romantic

2007-02-26T14:23:00.000-08:00

this should be an interesting blog... i asked dean to pick a topic and this is what he picked. it is 10pm on saturday night and he is watching ufc wrestling knockouts. its really not my thing but i have the laptop so it's keeping him entertained.
so hockey it is... i can't remember watching hockey as a kid in fact i don't think i ever saw a game til the year curt and i got together. thats a huge statement considering im a canadian and grew up in the same city that the vancouver canucks still play in. my parents weren't into watching team sports. my weekends were filled with racing, both live on the tracks ,and on the television. dad raced on the same track as guys like bobby rahal, danny sullivan and the great gilles villeneuve. in fact the day i was born my dad was heading to california for a race and almost missed my entrance into the world. i knew the names of all the formula 1 racers better than i knew our provinces. andretti, fitipaldi, mansell, rosberg, shumacher were like heroes to me growing up they were household names. we watched nascar too but not with the same veracity.
these days i can name a few hockey players. curt and his family are all avid watchers of the sport so over the years i came to understand the game but never learned to like it much. curt and i attended a couple games when we were first married and they were lots fo fun to go to but watching it on tv just never had the same appeal. i finially got into the game during the 2002 winter olympics when both the men and women of canada kicked the hides of our american counterparts to come home with both gold medals. olympic hockey is fast paced and is not filled with the politics of the nhl unless of course you include the gambling habits of gretsky's wife.
having boys i knew that one or all of them might get involved in hockey but i was adamant i wasn't going to be the one taking them to the rink at 4am. turns out i was right, robert, our oldest decided that hockey was to be his sport of choice. i managed to maintain my status on early morning ice times and let his father play the part of hockey dad. even the afternoon games i could find good reason not to attend. i love my son dearly and i went to every game he asked me to go to but he didn't ask me to attend many cause he knew how i felt about the game. i think he also know how i felt about the bigger, faster boys nailing my baby into the boards. the few games i went to it was really all i could to to watch my boy get tossed like a rag doll on skates by the opposing team. i really didn't like going and would cringe everytime he got hit. he loved it though and hockey was all he talked about the 2 years he played. dean's youngest wants to play and again i will take a stand on not doing morning ice times.
dean and his family are hockey nuts. they love the game and watch every double header on hockey night in canada like it was sunday's wonderful world of disney when i was a kid. i watch with them and have learned to tolerate the game. what i like most about these nights is listening to them talk about the history of hockey and the players that dean grew up watching. it is obvious that hockey was a family event in thier house and it always seems to bring the family together when hockey is on. they are baseball fans too and do the same thing during the ball season. as the two seasons almost overlap each other it means that there is always family time to be had in our house and thiers.
what brings your family together?

Missing you

2007-02-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

you left this morning at 10:30 and by lunch time i was missing you. i walked out of the building at 12:30 hoping to see you there waiting to say goodbye before you hit the road. i knew in my heart you wouldn't be but i had hoped for one last gentle kiss as you drove off.
driving home tonight talking to you on the phone i could hear the stress in your voice over the troubles with the vehicle but it was still so good to know you arrived safely and that you didn't have trouble with the weather in the mountains.
arriving home to the chaos the kids put your mom through made me wish you were home even more. i had a rough day and not being able to get my evening hug was a downer. i went through the motions of dinner and getting the kids ready for school tomorrow and then got them into bed. the house was so quiet even with the tv on. i miss your laughter and goofy antics.
i tried to call but your phone was off. i figured you were out having dinner or maybe just taking some time to drive around the city or walk the streets stretching your legs after a long walk. i was dissapointed that i couldn't reach you but glad that you were getting some time to yourself you have desperately needed that lately.
you called me not long after and though our conversation was brief it was still wonderful to be able to tell you how much i love you and miss you. i don't like being away from you and we have spent far too much time apart since we got together.
i know tonight you are battling deamons being back where you hoped never to return. i wish i could be by your side tomorrow when the dr congratulates you on over a year of remission. i hope you can gain a bit of confidence that you have beat this disease and your chances of it never returning increase each and every day.
i love you so much sweetheart and wish there were some way i could really show you just what it is that you mean to me. each night when i lay down to sleep i thank god that he brought us together as a couple and as best friends. you have changed my life and in turn i have changed and become a better person because of those changes.
sleep sweet i will talk to you tomorrow.
I LOVE YOU DEAN MORE THAN WORDS
EPOMLEPOY

Time for some Counselling

2007-01-27T14:18:00.000-08:00

see that boy up there. ^ that is my baby. hes not the oldest or the youngest. he is my middle child and he is the one who is unlike the others.
dan has been giving us a lot of trouble lately but before i tell you what he's done wrong i want to tell you about the child.
born 9/11/95 ... 9lbs7oz... he came into the world in a hurry. the doctor was inducing labour monday morning at 9am and dan was born monday morning at 7:47am after only 3hrs of labour. right from day one things were going to be on his terms not anyone elses.
he was a good baby. never wanted for anything and was happy to be in the wind-up swing or infant car seat where he could watch the world. he crawled and walked early and since then we have been trying to keep up to him.
dan's personality is not only different from his brothers is its different period. he is a very tender child who is easily hurt. his self-esteem is lower than i would like it to be and he internalizes more than he externalizes. dan is a goofy kid and loves to make others laugh even if how he does it isn't always appropriate. if even one person laughs he has an audience and the acting continues. hes the kid who comes home from school and tells us the jokes he's heard even though they usually result in a don't ever say that again reply from us. dan is as feminine as he is masculine and there if he decides that he will follow a homosexual lifestyle i wouldn't be the least surprised or dissapointed. i will support him no matter what.
dan doesn't make friends easily in fact he doesn't have friends outside of school at all. a teacher once told me he is a wise old soul in a young mans body and other children can't relate to him or his humour. i believe that is the best explanation anyone could give of my middle child.
as dan's mother i want what all mother's want for thier children. i want him to grow up happy and healthy. i want to protect him from the evils of the world and even at times from himself. i want everyone to like him and show him respect and courtesy. i want him to be popular and the top of his class. i want only the best for him.
dan has been having some issues. issues a lot of kids have. issues that are classic for a middle child. issues all parents hope they never see in thier own kids but when they do they usually find out all parents have been through degrees of the same issues.
the lying and stealing started not long after his dad and i split up dan was 9. the first time i realized the stealing was after a shopping trip when he stole a cadbury easter cream egg. we had a long chat about stealing and how and why it was wrong. i said all the things i was supposed to say he said all the things he was supposed to say and we moved on. the lying was not as easily dealt with. he would like about having taken a cookie or a chocolate when he wasn't supposed to. he promised not to do it again but the next time a cookie was missing i would ask who had eaten it and the answer was always "not me". i kept working with him and things did get better he saw that honesty was better and that taking a cookie and owning up to it didn't get him in nearly as much trouble.
dan also has a long slow burning temper. rarely do we see him angry but when we start to see signs of anger we know that the only thing that will bring him back to calm is a temper tantrum. i have tried to extinguish his temper a few times but experience has taught me that it doesn't help that he just closes up until he can't keep it contained anymore. in the past when this has happened he has lashed out at adults who are close to him and who have some experience in handling these types of outbursts.
last week dan found a watch in the ice at school and rather than turning it into the office he brought it home. when i noticed on saturday that he was wearing a watch that wasn't his i asked where it came from and he said his friend had given it to him. i hate to admit it but i couldn't believe him. after a long weekend advising him that he had til tuesday when school went back to provide the truth before we confronted the boy at school about it, dan finally came clean tuesday morning in the school hallway. he figured we wouldn't believe him if he told the truth... guess what... we didn't believe the lie even more. we returned the watch to the school lost and found. tuesday night we had a long talk about what had happened and i could tell its wasn't settled but it was a beginning.
the anger was coming i could see it but i couldn't do anything about it yet it cause i couldn't get him to pinpoint the emotion.
it blew up yesterday!
he got in a fight at school with a boy two years younger than him. the boy started something then walked away and dan escalated it by following after the boy and when the boy threatened to hit dan, dan hit the boy. it got worse when the teacher was trying to talk to dan, dan turned and tried to walk away and the teacher grabbed his jacket from the back dan turned and tried to get away and in doing so hit the teacher in the face with his crazy carpet. the principal stepping in asked what had happened and dan proceeded to lie about the whole thing. just not good at all.
dean got the call and was very angry as expected. i talked to dean only a few minutes after he had picked dan up who has been suspended for 2 days. i had to finish my day at work and come home to try and figure out what was next.
when i got home i was far to upset to deal with dan so i decided to leave it for today. we talked this morning and dan seems much calmer and more composed and to be honest so is his mother. i have a great benefits program at work so counselling is paid for if we need it and i think dan needs it. to show dan that counselling isn't a bad thing i will be getting my own counsellor since having some place to vent will benefit me too.
ok thats it for now. i will try and catch ya all up soon just been in a whole other mental place and haven't felt much like bloggin.
hugs ya all.

Hockey

2007-01-10T14:22:00.000-08:00

Sleepless nights

2007-01-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

when i lived close to the ocean i used to sit at my front window on sleepless nights and watch the tug boats move the gravel barges into position so the converyers could spill the earth onto them. the lights from the island across the straight would twinkle on the clear nights. the ocean breeze moving the windchimes hanging from the neighbours eaves. the sound from them was always calming no matter how violent the winds. waves would crash against the breakwater that sheltered the beach below the houses across the street. if the wind was blowing just right the smell of salt air would drift through our drafty house reminding me of the time i spent on the beach as a child.
last night was a sleepless one. i longed to be on the beach watching the waves roll onto the shore washing away the stress of the sand. i wanted to watch the work of a child's mind slip away one grain at a time as the water lapped over it. i wanted to watch a strand of seaweed roll with the white foam as it struggled to find a place to rest. i wanted to feel the sea breeze moisten my exposed skin as i smell salt air.
tonight i hope to dream of the ocean.
sweet dreams

The Hill

2007-01-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

the other night we went for a drive to look at christmas lights. going for a drive is something we like to do as a family. we load into the van and off we go. this night was much like the others as we drove along icy side streets looking at the beauty of lights in many colours bliking and twinkling in the snow. we passed a large hill where some teens were sliding. this hill wasn't a really safe place for the kids to play because the bottom of the hill was the main roadway but the kids were having fun just the same.
as we continued to drive i got to thinking about the hill that we used to play on when i was a kid. when i was 10 we moved to a townhouse complex in coquitlam bc. the town house units were made up of row houses four to a row. we lived in one of the middle houses in the first row at the top of the hill. the hill was actually an access road to the complex below ours. everyone knew that there were kids that played on the big hill so they were always careful to drive safe speeds up and down the hill.
i remember sliding down that hill in the winter times when we got a rare snowfall. in fact the hill would get so icy in the winter that people didn't use it because there were other safer routes to take. we didn't have gt's or sleds and usually our toboggans were made of whatever we could find that we could slide on. it might be a black garbage bag or an old scrap of linoleum or even old pieces of carpet (they slide great on ice) we would bundle up in snow suits, mitts, scarves and touques and we would spend hours outside in the chilly weather.
if i walked down the hill about 2 city blocks i would arrive at the street where all my friends lived. we seldom played inside each others houses because the streets of this subdivision were so full of kids that we couldn't all go in one persons house at any one time.
my gf lisa lived in the duplex on the corner. she was from malaysia and her parents spoiled ehr and her two sisters rotten. lisa was fashion crazy and was the girl who had all the teen romance novels in sequntial order from 1-100 and they were on her book shelf in order.
gulia was from a big italian family and she lived in the biggest house on the block. her's was the house with every new fangled gadget in it that the rest of us wished we could afford. she had the atari as soon as it came out and was the only house on the block with an automatic garage door. (how times have changed) she had a dishwasher and microwave when our mothers only dreamed of having them. she even had a tv in her own bedroom!
benita was born in canada. the rest of her family including her sisters were from india. i loved going to her house for dinner for traditional dinners made by her mom. her dad was a short little guy with a great sense of humour. benita's sisters were gehita and anita and they were the most beautiful girls i had ever seen. both were in university and were always studying. i remember benita's mom always shooing us girls outside so the sisters could study.
debbie was a year older than the rest of us and became a trouble maker in high school from what i heard but when we were pre-teens she and i used to go to the mall on saturdays to watch movies and spend our allowance on candy and clothes.
boys were just beginning to be a big part of our lives back then and there were more than a few that lived in the subdivision that caught our eyes. joe was the boy i wanted for my first boyfriend. he didn't know i exsisted because shilo was all he thought of. she was his girlfriend for about 3 years before he finally noticed me when i was 13. too late for him since i had moved to a new city by then and had found other boys who caught my fancy.
when i was 11 all us girls got roller skates right around the time when school let out. that hill was great for skating down to see my friends. the skate home was much more difficult since the grade on the hill had to be about 6%. we didn't care though we were kids and no hill was too steep. in fact we didn't even have to use the hill to get to each others houses. there was a path we could take through an empty lot. the lot was left empty on purpose when the builders planned the complex i lived in. there was two of these lots that they left full of trees and natural brush. we spent hours hiding and playing in these lots. the one lot even had an old deadwood trunk that we used as a bench seat, we used to cut through that lot on our way home from school everyday. i remember the boys sneaking smokes, beer and kisses in that empty lot.
we only lived in that house for 3 years but i love the childhood memories i have of that time. when i moved back to vancouver the apartment i rented was only about 10 min from this area. the house we lived in was still there and hadn't changed much. the area however has totally grown up. the forest across the street is now full of houses and a church that they were building when we moved away. dean and i spent some time driving through the area when he was there and i couldn't believe how little forest was left.
the hill is still there , but i bet the kids can't play on it like i did when i was a kid.

The Irony of Life and Death

2006-12-30T14:17:00.000-08:00

Two deaths in as many days. My family friend did not survive his heart attack and passed last evening. I have shed too many tears this holiday season and when I go to the service I will shed more I am sure.
Allan was the family friend. A man of scottish decent and accent who was so full of love and laughter that you could not help but laugh when you were around him. It will be odd going to the service in many ways as Curt and I are no longer a couple but we will travel there together to save fuel costs. Curt will drive right past here to get there so we decided travelling together is the most reasonable thing to do. My mom will probably attend the service as she knew the family almost as long as I did. In case you didn't know my mom and mother in law attended elementary school together so my husbands family was a part of my life long before we were married or dating. This will be the first time Curt and I will attend a "family" gathering since we seperated. I don't know how he feels about it but I have a feeling it will be strange for everyone else to see us "together" when we aren't. Oh well! They will see we are good friends and have maintained that since the seperation.
My mentor, Dale, did not want a service though it is still up in the air as his kids do want one. I understand not spending thousands of dollars on funeral services but I hope they decide to at least have a gathering of rememberance for him as he was loved by so many and sometimes that is what people need for closure. It may be decided to have a gathering in the summer or even next year so that all of us who cared and loved him can get together and remember the good times we shared with him. Dale was my team-lead at Radio Shack, he was the man who helped me to be as good as I was when I was a manager. He was integral in showing me right from wrong, quick vs difficult, and he taught me that the corporate world, no matter how challanging, was a good place to be. Dale and his partner Joan, became my friends. I could talk to either of them for hours on end about life, work, kids, marraige, anything at all. They supported my move to Vancouver and encouraged me to take the promotion that changed my life. Straight forward and to the point was Dale's way and though I didn't always want to hear what he had to say he was never afraid of saying it.
Dale was maybe 5ft tall but to hear his voice and not see him you would have thought him 6ft tall and bullet proof. He was gruff and even grumpy more than he was ever friendly and smiling. He knew he rubbed some people the wrong way but he didn't care because he knew those who cared about him were many and they believed in the same things he did. He was never afraid to do what he felt was right even if it caused a fall out of trouble. In fact many of the people we worked with thought of him as Dale Ryder the sh*t distruber, little did they know he was exactly that when that was exactly what the situation called for.
Dale treated me like a daughter, not only just a co-worker, and he reminded me that I deserved the good in life whether I thought I did or not. He knew that my taking a promotion would probably mean the end of my marraige (not solely for that reason I must add) but he encouraged me to take the next step because he felt it was worth it and that I would survive whatever the results. At conventions in Toronto, Dale was the guy who always leaned over and said cut loose and have fun I will make sure your safe in your room at the end of the night. Dale knew he was sick at the last convention we attended together and the last night after everyone else went to bed he and I and Frank and Brad sat around the nearly empty bar for about 4 hours and just talked about work, life, death and where things were headed with all of us. I went back to my room that night knowing that an era was ending and a new one beginning and sure as the rose the next morning neither Dale nor I ever attended another convention. I left the company 6 months agfter taking my promotion Dale was put on long term medical status and never worked again.
My phone rang this morning with good news for a change. One of the girls I used to work with had her baby yesterday morning. A little boy born at 3:09am 7lbs 13oz. She had 2 miscarraiges prior to carrying to full term this little miracle. They named him Ryder.
The irony of life and death.
Rest in Peace Allan and Dale... Welcome to a new life Ryder.